I'll stop eating meat when you give up water.

PETA. What to say? I think they are a fine group of individuals who have a great goal with nothing but the best interests of all our planets precious organisms at heart.

...I can't do it. I think we all need to show them how its done. They do everything from spilling animal blood and paint on people who wear fur to burning down research facilities. Well let me tell you, their doing it wrong. Quite frankly, I'm shocked Americans, being the altruistic and all loving people that we are, haven't busted a cap in the ass of every PETA member, starting with Ingrid Newkirk (president of PETA). Next time they burn down a building, or ruin my new slippers made of a baby panda we need to nuke their headquarters in Norfolk Virginia because who doesn't enjoy big explosions? Even better than most big explosions are ones that leave the survivors more deformed than the animals they try to protect. Then in our final act of pure irony we eat the remaining PETA members in place of meat at our next meal.

Did you know they are trying to change the name of fish to "sea kitten"? They think it'll make people less likely to eat fish if they remind them of a pet. Well they obviously aren't thinking about the very large group of people who dine on their own pets for sustenance, because they obviously haven't tasted the juicy joy one feels when cracking open a kitten bone for the tasty marrow inside.

So I'm giving everyone a homework assignment. It is now every one's job to feed one vegetarian meat, and not to tell them about it until after they have eaten at least one full serving of it. After they eat it, you must ask if they enjoyed it, they will obviously say yes, because only gay people don't like meat. Then we will all laugh in their face because they're obviously a hypocrite and will feel so guilty about eating meat they will do one of two things. They will either go on a meat binge to make up for all the meaty meals they lost during their vegetarianism, or commit suicide. Any one of these two options is favorable because they both mean that there is one less vegetarian in the world, and therefore one more American in the world. Or at the very least, one less Communist.

And people say Hitler was a bad guy...

I'm tired of all the flak some dictators get for their actions. But people, for some inexplicable reason, like to single out Hitler. But what they fail to mention is why he should be admired, and all the good lessons he shows the world, lessons that we should cherish and pass down to our children. He was a man who faced rejection his entire life. First he got rejected into art school, and his mom died, at the hands of a Jew no less. Now this would be enough to make any man bitter, but no, Hitler kept his chin up and pressed on. He lived a hard life, the only thing his parents ever did right was that his father knew to beat him on a frequent basis. This is probably why he managed to become a role model for everyone and show us how to remain strong in a sea of adversity.

Hitler shows people that its okay to be sad sometimes, as long as you confront your problems head on. Hitler, for example, was not fond of the Jews. Why, however, most people don't complete understand. Well as it turns out, his ill mother was killed by a Jew doctor, and he never forgave those who followed the same religion. But instead of sulking, he took action. He never forgave that doctor, and confronted conflict head on by attempting to exterminate all people of the Jewish faith. There has to be something we can learn from this, and even more we can pass on to our children, right?

It is okay to feel sad, but only under the condition that you face your problems, and try to correcting them by any means. The only excuse for failure is death. Or a land invasion by allied troops. One of the two.

I have fixed our economy. And destroyed the rest of the worlds. But thats their problem.

The United States is currently over 11 trillion dollars in debt. Thats 11 with twelve zeros, 14 if you go after the decimal point. I have come up with the most ingenious way to fix this problem. Borrow more money. When we borrow money, the lending country's economy inflates, which means that in their country the value of an individual dollar goes up, but their money overall on a global scale is worth less than before. So my plan is we borrow them until they are bankrupt. Once they have almost no money left, their economy will be in worse shape than ours because they'll have no money, and we'll have all of theirs. Then we use all our money internally and keep it away from the other countries so all they can do is make more currency, thus ruining their economy even further by flooding it with new money. So basically, we keep borrowing money, borrow so much money from other countries until they refuse to let us borrow more, and then continue borrowing anyway.

Now, you're probable asking why they would lend us all this money, or at least why they would give us money after it started hurting them even a little. But what you are failing to keep in mind is that we are America. And America doesn't care what the world thinks, because we are obviously better than them and much more badass. I mean, what other country is so badass that they get 11 trillion in debt, and still are the most powerful country in the world? That's right, none of them. And if any country complains, I have a nuke the shape of a penis with their name on it. Better, I have over 9,000 nukes with the rest of the world's name on it. So try to stop us from "borrowing" all that money. Do it, you won't. (See, I told you they wouldn't, if they had, you wouldn't be reading this.) And as far as paying all this money back, need I direct you once again to the We're-American-so-we-do-what-we-want Clause? So in short, we won't pay you back, because the money was ours to begin with. All property of the world is that of the United States, that's just common knowledge. So in short, to the other countries in the world, give us your money, and enjoy your AIDS.

Chic pants/tight jeans on men.

How many fathers do you see who wear those tight chic pants becoming increasingly popular among men? None. You know why? Because after wearing them, their ability to produce sperm, let alone concieve, is greatly diminished due to the fact that parts of males which most men hold very precious are constricted into such a tiny space that they go numb. And by precious, I mean essential, as in without them, life wouldn't be worth living because I could no longer have sex, which is what men do, right? Which is why people who wear them are no longer men, and therefore gay. Any "man" who can walk around in pants that tight for an extended amount of time on a frequent basis should just get it over with and have the sex change already. And after they get the sex change, they should jump off a very tall bridge over land, because sex changes are just fucking creepy, and not in the cool horror movie sort of way.

The Make a Wish Foundation?

The Make a Wish Foundation grants wishes to children who are terminally ill. According to the Make a Wish website, "To receive a wish, the child must be diagnosed with a life-threatening medical condition – i.e., a progressive, degenerative or malignant condition that has placed the child’s life in jeopardy." What a waste of a perfectly good wish. Why grant wishes to kids who are likely to die? If they die, its a total waste of wish because they won't grow to remember it and well, they'd be dead. And if they live, we just spent a ton of money granting the wish of a kid who was never actually about to die, which also strikes me as a giant waste of money.

Another reason we shouldn't be granting them wishes is that they've done nothing to deserve it. Yea, you're sick, who the fuck cares? You think that earns you a wish? Most people who work actual jobs don't get to do stuff that awesome, and they're actually productive members of society. What've you done to help anyone but yourself, taking all those kind people's money just so you can have your "wish" granted, and doing nothing in return but dying. That's the biggest con ever. They take more money from innocent, hard working people than con artists do, and they don't put any effort at all in it. If I get a disease, you know what I get? Nothing. You know why? Because I'm not a cute little child whose face will go on the cover of the Make a Wish Foundation's magazine in front of Disney World just to satisfy the donors into thinking their money was well spent. Seriously, on the Make a Wish's website there isn't a single picture of an ugly kid. You know why? Because ugly kids lower amount of donations. So all the Foundation is doing is granting wishes to kids who don't deserve them, and teaching kids that in the end looks are what matters if you want to get cooler stuff than those around you. My bet is that all those kids who get better even though they said they were ill end up as prostitutes, because the Make a Wish Foundation teaches kids bad life lessons, telling them they can get lots of stuff for no work and that only the good looking deserve rewards.

They say they grant a wish every 40 mintutes, yet the world still sucks. Here's a few wishes to grant, end the economy crisis, the Iraq War, begin world peace, cure cancer, end world hunger. But no, instead you take a 7 year old Texan and make him an honorary Department of Public Saftey officer and use taxpayer dollars to give him a ride in a helicopter to tour the city and give him a three car plus a motorcycle escort. Sure, this tax money could be used in putting up better border security there in Texas where this took place, or you could just spend it on someone who shortly repaid the world by doing nothing but dying two days later. Once again, people just don't know how to be grateful...

How the hell did our oil get under their sand?

I for one am a fan of oil. My car runs with gas, which is made of oil, I use plastic, which is made of part oil, much of my electricity is derived from oil, hell, I love oil so much I even fertilize my lawn with used motor oil. (It has to be healthy, right? I mean, the stuff came from the ground anyway...) If I could, I would even bathe in oil. The United States consumes approximately 1/4 of the world's oil. I want to know why the hell 75% of our oil is used by people who aren't us. Now I don't know how our oil got under their sand, I'm not a geologist. But what I do know is that we need to make sure we get all of it, and use it before the other people, namely the communists and terrorists, get the chance to. If America isn't the one to use the oil, no one should be. So my proposition is that we bomb all the oilfields in the Middle East, and while we're at it, the rest of the world, that don't export all of their production to America and its allies. But before you get all pissy at me for being violent, I suggest we peacefully suggest that they start exporting it to us, then threaten them and their families with death if they refuse. And as for rising oil prices, I say we just stop paying, and kill anyone who complains. After all, this is America, and if other countries won't serve us, they deserve to die, just like the indians did.

Twilight? WTF (The decline of vampires...)

If there is one thing that convinces me of the decline of civilization, it is the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. After reading only the first book of her series and seeing the Twilight movie, I feel obligated to eat a steak and punch a baby just so I can feel manly again. The "vampire" Edward has got to be the biggest pansy ever to tarnish the reputation of genuine, hardworking vampires who drink the blood of small children for fun, as they should. One would think that being a vampire automatically gives one the title of licensed badass, but no, Edward makes one of the coolest things ever seem gay. Before Twilight, every guy wished for the kickass, care about no one but yourself lifestyle of a vampire, but now it seems every girl wishes her boyfriend was just like Edward. Well let me tell you I slapped that idea right out of my girlfriend.

Seriously, when did it become not only socially acceptable, but encouraged, for vampires to become vegitarian. If I was a vampire, I would personally murder every vegitarian vampire I saw. And what's the deal with the sparkly skin? It just gets gayer and gayer by the minute. And I don't mean to flame gays, I hold them in a much higher regard than Twilight. At the very least most homosexuals don't make me want to kill myself by their mere existence.

In the Twilight books, she didn't make vampires, she made what she wishes her boyfriend/husband was like by giving them almost every power they possibly could contain, and still have Edward be a total pansy. If I were Edward, the minute I saw Bella, I would have bit her in the neck and taken a sip of her blood the minute I saw her, and not drink it all at once, but sit there in his science class casually sipping the rest of her blood until class was over, daring anyone to do anything. I would rob a bank, infiltrate the white house, or at the very least kill Stephanie Meyer for butchering the idea of vampires. Any of these would be 100x cooler than what Edward does, but then again watching paint dry is above Edward on the coolness scale.

This is what happens when you let women think, they start wanting pansies for boyfriends, and these fictional characters give live men bad names. Someone really needs to push Meyer off of a very tall cliff, just so she learns there won't be a magical "vampire" at the bottom waiting to catch her because his sole purpose in life is to serve her, or at the very least someone should give her an old fasioned belt beating. Damn it, females like her encourage other females to think, and we all no that never leads to anything but them wanting to cuddle more. I miss the good ol' days where they knew their place and seldom talked, let alone wrote books. Eh, that's what we get for letting them get an education.

Mother's Day my ass

Mother's Day has to be the biggest pile of shit this world has seen in the realm of pointless holidays. Now, its not that I don't think that mothers deserve to be appreciated, its that I think they shouldn't have a special day for doing their job. Yep, that's right, why should they have an entire day to give stuff to mothers for doing what they should be. And if you haven't caught on yet, what they should be doing is having their husbands children. Women were put on this earth for a reason, and thats to do all the work that is below men. You know, all that stuff involving pregnancy, cooking, cleaning, and being on the recieving end of sex. Mostly the sex thing.

But don't get me wrong, now Fathers day makes sense. All these women don't understand how difficult a father has it. First, they complain when we try to have sex with them, and then they have a huge hissy fit about "child support." Child support? If you didn't want to have kids and have to take care of them, you picked the wrong day to be a female. And some even have the nerve to try to get you to cuddle afterwards. All this cuddling cuts into valuable TV time. They also don't understand how much energy it takes to slap them around. All this talk about domestic violence on the news, and it starts to seem things are going back to how they should be, but yet sometimes they still try to fight it. Eh, a few good hits with my pimp hand and they learn. And after all this slapping, I'm usually very hungry. And then I have to deal with a burnt roast. After I come home from a long day, I expect one thing, dinner on the table. And even if I'm not hungry, dinner must still be made. Sure, I'll probably throw it out, but no one wants a girl to become rusty in her culinary skills. It is obviously so much harder to be a father in today's world, they just don't seem to get it.

The Indians (American ones, not fix your computer ones) should assimilate or die.

Indians, Native Americans, whatever you want to call them, have been in North America for thousands of years. They are a proud people, and have achieved lives of almost perfect harmony with nature in the past, and they deserve to die now, just as they did then.

They were total pansies, and then we try to a good deed and civilize them, and what do those sons of bitches do? They try to kill us. So what if their families have lived there for thousands of years? There was gold on the land they lived in, and gold is the property of white men, no matter where it is, or who supposedly "owns" it. And only one man had the balls to do what needed to be done, and yes, I am referring to President Andrew Jackson. He kicked the Cherokee off of our gold, and put them where they belong, out of our way. So what if the Supreme Court said we didn't have the right to, word on the street is Cheif Justice John Marshall liked little Indians boys if you know what I'm saying.

And then, when we finally try to move farther west, they have the audacity to try to fight us, on the grounds that we moved them there and signed treaties saying so. What they forgot is what I like to call the We're-American-so-we-do-what-we-want clause, so even the western land they lived on was undisputably ours.

And in all fairness to us killing them, they never took the time to invent guns. And we all know that if you don't invent means of efficiently killing people that you deserve to die. So here's the scoop, either you Indians finally accept our gracious offers and start acting like Americans and move off these "reservations", or go find the smallpox infested blankets your ancestors used during the French and Indian war that Lord Jeffrey Amherst generously provided you as a symbol of peace. And yet, despite this offering, you guys still seem to harbor some sort of grudge. I guess some people just don't know how to be grateful...

On the subject of rape...

Well here's a rather awkward, controversial, potentially sexy topic. Rape. Everyone thinks about rape. But sometimes, girls cross the line. What line you ask? The line they cross when they refuse to have sex with men. I mean, if they didn't want to have sex, they shouldn't have been born a girl, right? That's paramount to implied consent. And now, they've gone to far. Those uptight bitches have finally done it, they've created the worst invention ever. Commonly called the Dickshredder 9000, its actual name is the Rape aXe, and it is the bane of men. They're actually trying to stop us from doing what we were born to do. Have sex with them. This aweful device is like a female condom, and when a man goes to have intercourse with her, barbs on the inside get caught on a very precious part of a man, and can only be surgically removed. WHAT THE FUCK?

All we want is a little sex, its not like it takes any work on their part... And if they're not actively having sex with me, they should be doing something else womanly, cooking, cleaning, or getting ready to have sex with me. And so help me god if she burns the roast.... Anyway, I digress. Point is, rape isn't actually rape, its the natural order of things. I mean, "I see all these girls with their mouths open, the only problem is my dick isn't in one."

Missing a chromosome?

Okay. Well have you ever looked at it this way? People with certain genetic disorders, such as Down syndrome, also known as Trisomy 21, among many other disorders, either have more than the normal two chromosomes of each type, or one less. This means they literally do not have the karyotype of a normal human. They have more or less chromosomes than are required to be a homo sapien, so they possibly might not be.

And if they're not human, is it possible that they don't have emotion, or at least emotion of the same type? And if they don't have emotion, and they may be doomed to a life less than human, perhaps it could be okay for them to die? And if it is, could it be okay to kill them? And while we're at it, and they're already dead, we might as well put them to good use. I'm not saying we eat the like chickens, but just that we make stuff out of them. Belts perhaps? Making stuff out of human skin (lampshades, book covers, etc.) seemed to work well for people in the past......